Navigating Pregnancy after Loss… When it’s Not Your Own
A personal account from someone very frustrated with the current narrative…
Trigger Warning: this blog is focused upon the topic of miscarriage and loss. If you or someone you know is struggling, please call 1800 ASK QENDO.
Endometriosis, PCOS, adenomyosis – all of these conditions seems to make the ‘traditional pregnancy’ journey seemingly impossible. I remember as a child only ever wanting to be a mother. Sure I had the typical childhood, girlish dreams too… I was to be a ballet dancer, spinning my way across the stage into success. That dream morphed into other ideas of grandeur as I grew older, the dream as ever changing as my new found knowledge of other, possible career paths emerged. …Although with the amount of times I slipped over on stage or fell into props it’s probably for the best this dream did change… I am SO glad my mum kept all those old videos, and more so glad VHS players died out! However, one dream remained consistent: I would be a mother.
Now after a ten year fertility nightmare, well, my career has suddenly become my focus. Sure I have some very fond pregnancy moments to look back on, but my body has left only the tell-tale signs of pregnancy without that cute, chubby baby at the end. Life can be pretty frustrating at times! When you have a small bust it kind of gets annoying to be left with the old, ‘socks in sand,’ and ‘nipples the size of dinner plates’ chestnut.
Anyone who has ever suffered a miscarriage has been informed of that all too familiar phrase, “…It is very common for women your age to suffer a miscarriage.” If I have another doctor quote percentage rates to me, I swear I may scream! I can picture it now, ‘Female finally gone mad as she ran out of the doctor’s office, manically screaming like King Kong while scaling the opposite building,’ as the local headline.
I probably haven’t done my body many favors, there have been more than the odd occasion I have flat out refused to go have a checkup following a miscarriage because some of those checkups have been almost more traumatic then the act itself.***
“…You need to go home and talk to your mother.” This line is my personal favourite out of all my pregnancy appointments. I had just been informed that my pregnancy was high-risk and I was most likely about to miscarry. I had questioned a female doctor on my possible options – this was her legitimate response. This wasn’t a walk in clinic either mind you, she had claimed to specialise in all things maternity. To this day I am genuinely still confused as to why this appointment went the way it did – or why she went into medicine.
“…The fetus has probably not progressed for a few weeks now before you passed it.” This statement was said in the most unfeeling of manner before the male doctor proceeded to grill me on why I was only taking the mini pill and not a stronger contraceptive. (For the record he also used a harsher language choice than how I have opted to reword this) I have a blood clotting condition which limits my options, AND the IUD will physically not fit inside my body due to the shape of my cervix.
“…Yeah you have definitely miscarried, that’s okay we will just put you back onto another contraceptive; these things happen.” I’m sorry, but I have just told you this was my second miscarriage in a twelve month period and THAT was your response…? His reply and tone were honestly so upbeat!
What makes my situation so frustrating is when those around me assure me I am still so young in the scheme of things.“…There’s still plenty of time for you to worry about this later!”
There have been those I have considered to be angels walking this earth during the harder moments too though, despite all the doctors who have ‘mansplained’ my condition to me, brushing over a likely Endometriosis diagnosis – but not wishing to investigate that either. Like the nurse at the Royal Women’s in Melbourne, who spent that extra time reassuring me when I developed a life-threatening condition after another doctor had failed to properly clean me out that first time. The doctor in Carlton who called me after hours when her shift had ended, wanting to check in and make sure I was going to be okay. That nurse in a country hospital ED who didn’t spend time on lectures after I wound up there at the fault of my own – I should have taken more control of my health and well-being after a miscarriage and this was two weeks later. Of course I had an infection, she knew it was my fault but her concern lay with ensuring I was okay moving forward. She held my hand the entire time!
So how does one navigate a friend’s pregnancy announcement when they just miscarried the week prior…? It’s hard, I know so many within this community have had moments much the same. I have sat there with a girlfriend in shared silence while she cried over our bottle of wine. Another of her friends had just announced her pregnancy and she has an upcoming baby shower to look forward to. Her chances of pregnancy aren’t appearing hopeful, but she felt obligated to push her sadness aside and attend the celebrations. I have attended first birthday parties with friends who shared the same due date month as I did, and I have comforted others who too have experienced that pain. We are not alone in our community but heck, it sure feels isolating when it happens.
My friend hasn’t even announced this to me yet, I found out through the grapevine. I am so ecstatic to know there will be an adorable baby making our group complete but I literally just had a miscarriage only a week ago. I wasn’t trying, it was a surprise so I forced myself not to make a fuss about it. I simply cancelled my evening plans, took a longer shower than usual and dusted myself off. I went into work, secretly thanking the Heavens that my boss happens to be one of the kindest humans I have ever met. I’m sure she just put it down to me having an off day but she’s wonderful in that way. Though sitting across the table yesterday hearing this bombshell, while plastering a smile to my face was a little hard and I am left feeling so guilty over that fact.
I think we need to normalise miscarriages, they need to be spoken about more in casual conversation so that the people I know who are also struggling don’t feel the need to go home and cry alone. I have sat there in a conversation and witnessed someone I know readjust their facial position; she has miscarried multiple times over the past few years and is struggling to fall pregnant. Another in the group was flippantly discussing how annoying it will be to fall pregnant, and how much of an inconvenience it is going to be to their fashion taste while she was trying not to cry. I spoke to her husband after and it broke my heart, what’s worse is this type of occasion has happened at least four times in that group since. That individual is within her right to detest the thought of pregnancy but it sure sucks hearing about it when you yourself are struggling, and I feel for everyone who has been in a moment like this.
I have supported friends who have had terminations, I will always be pro-people (sort of like pro-choice, only I prefer to look at it as supporting the person, not only their legal right to choose). I have also supported my friends who hate the idea of having children, and laughed with them as they relay tales of criticism they have been subjected to over this. It is not a ‘one size fits all’ model when it comes to reproductive organs, heck there have been more than one occasion when I have cursed the system with my trans friend who felt equally betrayed by his body as I did mine. The point is we need to start talking about this more; it’s okay to grieve for your own situation while you celebrate other’s success stories. It’s okay to feel panic over the thought of smiling through another baby shower. It’s okay to mute someone’s social media so as to avoid the constant reminder and it’s okay to feel jealous that they have it easier. They might not - we don’t know what happens on the other side of those posts but regardless, it’s okay anyway.
Just because you are hurting doesn’t mean you love them any less. I would never want my friends and family to feel like they had to tamper their celebrations around me, I love celebrating new life and happiness and I know how difficult the journey can be to get to that point of pregnancy announcement.
…But it’s okay if you’re not there yet.
It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it just means that you need to take that extra time for yourself to grieve. Find someone who gets it, who gets you and where you’re at and talk about it. The QENDO community is here for support in these moments. Reach out – you are never alone!
***Please, PLEASE always seek medical care following any sort of complication!! I cannot stress this enough.
This Blog has been written for QENDO and shared with consent.
This blog does not constitute medical advice and is a personal story by someone living with pelvic pain conditions. The medications, supplements, health providers mentioned in this blog are not endorsed by QENDO nor does QENDO receive financial incentive for these products or by the medical professionals mentioned. Please consult with your health care team before considering taking any supplement, medication or treatment pathway.
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