I Feel Like a Fraud
By Ashleigh Webb
AN OPEN LETTER TO ENDO SUFFERERS AND MY SUPPORT NETWORK.
As I sit cuddling my sweet little son, I can’t help but think what I fraud I feel and look like. Here I am sharing pictures of my son and happy times when I KNOW it’s been a tough journey to get here.
To let you understand my thoughts behind this, I will take you back a few years when I first went to Endometriosis Functions. There was a lady with a baby, and a pregnant woman. I was outraged. (FACT: most women with Endo suffer from infertility). So, when I saw these women I got cranky and thought to myself: why would these women attend events like these – they have what most of us already want… a child of our own. I spent most of the time at the events being cranky that these women had shown up, let alone look like they were functioning like normal women.
When I fell pregnant in November 2016, I felt like any Endo symptoms had gone. I would dance around my bedroom and not have to worry about finding blood dripping down my leg. Life was perfect, I was happily pregnant with my first child. The moment I had dreamt about for so long, was finally here.
Once Fletcher arrived I was filled with so much joy, I shared his birth photo all over Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. I was what any new mother would be like: smitten with her child. But little did I realise what that was doing to my online Endo support. They are still in pre-baby endo struggle street. They would be feeling upset, anxious, annoyed and frustrated at the fact that yet, another endometriosis sufferer had given birth to a gorgeous little baby.
Now Fletcher is 6 months old, visions of me dancing around my bedroom are now just a memory. I find myself just sitting on the couch or in bed with a wheat bag. This is one thing I did not think about when I was judging those mothers with endo. Not only do they have endo, but they now also have a baby relying on them. You must get out of bed, you must be present for your baby. I love my son, I wouldn’t do anything at all to change my journey as it brought me him. But some days it’s tough with this disease.
When I share endo related information and pictures now, I feel like a fraud. I am the woman that has a baby. I am the women who continues to share her endo journey, despite what having what most endo sufferers desire. I am a fraud.
In saying this, I am sorry. In the past I have shared every intimate detail about my endometriosis, and I feel like I want to continue as I know so many women who have gotten help and support they need by reaching out to me. Yes, I have a son but yes, I still have endometriosis. So please, don’t judge me or feel like you need to distance from me like I have done I with other Mummy endo warriors as right now is when I need your love and most importantly your ongoing support.
When I was shopping recently, a young lady came up to me and told me she follows me on Instagram and she has endo. She said that even though it sucks that endo can create infertility she looks up to me and my story and thinks of me as hope. Hope that one day she can have her dreams of being a mother fulfilled.
All my love, and sending every positive vibe your way,
Ash xx
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